Thursday, February 19, 2004
Movie masala bland
I have been given divine inspiration last night. Any movie I make must incorporate the following:
1. The heroes must have long stresses of dirty hair that would be perfect 'before' pictures for Medicare Lice Shampoo. Of course, one of those manly men must do away with the length of his hair in gradual phases - first waist length, then shoulder length, and ending with the great spikyhairontop-cross-hedgehog look. Very chic.
2. The vamp must make bizarre cat woman faces and keep on jumping on the good guy's back and try to murder him in an almost erotic way. For details, check up on any Bond film.
3. The good guy's dad must of course die in sonny boy's arms, reciting some shloka together.
4. Good guy's dad must also look dandy in an anti-Gandalf black robe, and come back from the dead, to help sonny boy in turn come back from the dead.
5. Lunatics with no legs and screaming insantities to rats are a must-show.
6. There must be at least one rat, which has big bulging eyes that turn yellow, and talks to humans, in an effort to turn them also into ratty humans. There's a deep philosophy there... somewhere.
7. Blonde American sex bomb must twang Hindi like Brit Liz hurley must these days, and also climb up buildings after taking lessons from the Amazing Spiderman - though, she doesn't really go for all that 'friendly neighbourhood' crap.
8. The baddie must try to ellicit sympathy from the goodie just before the goodie kills the baddie. And of course, the goodie must have green cat eyes when he kills the baddie.
9. Goodie's gal friend must be a cold hearted bitch who wants to experiment in many different ways on goodie - which is not necessarily a bad thing, especially when she lets him experiment on her with dollops of oil... and yes, this blog ought to be rated PG definitely.
10. Goodie's slippery girl friend is an american scientist with a whole lot of other American scientists, who love wearing denim cut offs and spaghetti tops 365-24-7, and whose favourite night-time activity is dancing on table tops in bars for scores of leering men, pouring loads of beer on their legs, thighs, bosoms, tummies.... PG! PG! PG!
11. There's no need for a soundtrack. Vamp and slippery heroine moan and gasp and pant a lot to suffice. Maybe it's because of all that massage and all that oil.
PLUS: Some quotes to preserve for all eternity -
* "Bhagwan is a kind of internet."
** "Doing puja is... cool."
Check this space for more. For details, watch Rudraksh. If you dare.
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