It doesn't take hydrogen gas. Or riding a shuttle.
Or snorting on the whitest, finest powder this side of La-la-land.
(It might take an extra spoonful of sugar, but maybe that's just me.)
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Once Upon A Time
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Twisting tales all around
Try a hand at writing a fairy story. Let there be a queen and a king, and a mingy daughter who is, quite naturaly, the Princess. let her be all white and pretty - very much First World - glowing skin, shining teeth - prize racehorse breed - golden tresses that glitter in the summer sun and all the usual mush.
Done. Think about a plot then. Little princess goes skipping one day down the rose garden path and disappears. King and queen are very much alarmed, but no body else is - nobody liked the prissy little bitch, anyway. So, there aren't too many (read: none ) volunteers to rescue the sort-of-beautiful princess from whatever trap she's fallen into, so a band of magical mercenaries are called in.
Enter hero. He was found by the mercenary leader when he was a babe in the woods (literally), and he sort of grew up with the mercenaries - very rough and tough, ragged kind of guy, dashing good looks, with a scar so as not to make him too much of a 'pretty boy'. Perfect successor to the old leader and all, and he's part of the mercenary team that has to save the prissy princess.
I'm one for character portrayal, amn't i?
So the mercs (mercenaries, NOT mercedes: remember, we're supposed to be in the Middle Ages for now) set out and this big bad dragon swoops down and attacks them, but hero boy uses a spell to turn dragon breath into ice and so the big bad lizard falls from the sky. In his last wheezing breath, big bad dragon becomes wise old philosopher and recognises hero boy's destiny, so he tells them where to go to find prissy princess.
So they reach the Mountain Range With No End, and start climbing. Lots of storms and landslides, and many of the mercs just topple down to kingdom come. Hero boy saves his doggie and his dear old dad (d.o.d) from certain death, and with a much reduced team, they carry on. Obviously, the Grumpy Old Man With No End gets all cranky - so would you, if you Had No End - and comes down to fight. Lots of thunderbolts and rocks, and many more mercs die. But then, just when GOMWNOE is about to knock of d.o.d, there's a white flash and somehow prissy princess has magic too, and she sends some essence of that to come help hero boy rescue her - from wherever she is. Again, it's time for GOMWNOE to recognise hero boy's destiny, like the silly dragon, and so he lets the mercs pass.
No, the mercs do not meet Sauron, the Lord of the Ring, on their way. Sorry, awfully, for the disappointment.
Now hero boy starts getting dreams, and he understands he's this son of the King of the Gods, a bastard with some pretty maiden the God saw. The gal had run off from King God, and turned herself into a deer, but lusty King Gods being what they are, that didn't help her much, and nine months later when the d.o.d sees a fawn-boy hobbling around in the forest, he uses his powers to make fawn-boy a whole-boy.
Cue for tears and hugs all around.
The destiny question set right - he's King God's son, so he must marry prissy princess with powers, and produce heirs who will be the equal of the Gods and join the Gods and mortals together again - hero boy sets off with his mercs, his d.o.d and his doggie to find the enchanted princess.
They finally come before big black castle in the middle of the night when it's raining cats and dogs. So what with the barking and meowing all around, hero boy and the mercs decide to knock on the castle door and come in. Guess who opens the door but Frankenstein butler who says, 'Sure dude, make yourself welcome!' But then, in the night, Frankie boy sets hounds of hell onto the mercs and they gobble up all of them. Only doggie went out to pee and saw the hounds coming, so he warns hero boy and d.o.d, and so the three escape.
Morning comes and they see the sea. And there, chained to a rock is prissy princess with all her golden hair, chained to a huge rock, while a great eagle is about to have some brunch - namely, her. But then, hero boy needs the golden gal for his God-mortal destiny, and so he, doggie and d.o.d leap onto the rock and fight big eagle. Eagle is fast, and he knows how to fly too, so he flicks d.o.d off the rock, and old man finally dies. Doggie bites bird's wings, but bird doesn't flinch. Princess doesn't have any powers now, after that fight on the Mountain Range With No End, so she just screams, and tries to stop the sea wind from blowing her dress away. But just when it looks like hero boy's destiny is gone for a toss, Dear Old Dad (read, horny King God) intervenes, and grants his fawn-son some special powers (2 for the price of 1), and so hero makes bird shriek out 'bye, bye love' and die.
So obviously, prissy princess smooches hero boy full on the lips now, and she doesn't care anymore how high her dress rises. That night, however, as they make out, hero boy is all sobby for his d.o.d, so they don't have sex.
Sad? You don't half of it as yet.
For, under cover of darkness, while hero boy is sleeping, prissy princess turns into a golden deer, and proceeds to hump him while he's sleeping. That's because she's actually a deer-demon, planted by King God's wife, Queen God, who was jealous at his deer infatuation with hero boy's mom, and wanted revenge. So, rather than let hero boy rule all mortals and bring them closer to the Gods, she sends the deer demon as prissy princess to seduce him - if she's humped him once, all his children will be deers, so he can't possibly bring mortals and Gods closer, can he?
Call me a twisted Machiavelli.
But then, just as deer-demon is about to start the whinnying that deers normally do when they hump, doggie bursts into the scene and bites her legs off.
'Doggie! Princess! Shit!' says hero boy in amazement, waking up, and then he realzes Queen God's wicked plan. He curses her and swears vengeance, and then, doggie suddenly speaks and says, 'Hey babe, if you want to have kids to take over heaven, then let's get on with the job!'
Whereupon, doggie turns into sexy and sultry wood nymph, who was actually d.o.d's daughter. The feisty old bandit anticipated something of the sort from Queen God when he found the fawn-boy a long time back, and so he changed his sexy nymph daughter into a doggie, to watch his back.
So, hey, it was a happy ending after all, because hero boy and nymph girl lived happily ever after, and he met King God, and made up with Queen God too, and hey - they had LOTS of mortal-God kids, cuz the nymph turned out to be a nympho.
sigh.... warms your heart, doesn't it?
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