Livinghigh: Jittery

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Monday, January 10, 2005

Jittery

The idea behind love eludes me still. To dispell loneliness? To make oneself feel 'at one' with someone else? To have somebody take care of you and be there for you when you need it? I wonder if I'm being selfish, I wonder if the world is selfish.

It is awful to realise that you are quite diffident towards somebody you thought you were in love with, only sometime back. To think that, diffidence is perhaps charity. I have realised today - not for the first time, mind you, but the realisation finally sunk in today - that the person strung me around earlier, deliberately provoking in me feelings of ardour and jealousy. Horrible, angry jealousy, that drove me to wonder at my own actions and question my own foundations. And to learn, beyond a doubt, that all of that could have been avoided, that the object of my jealous anger was contrived, a device to ensnare me further... it smarts.

To cut a long story short: The person I was seeing in Delhi invented a boyfriend. I was always made to feel, during our relationship, that I was the 'other man'. And now, I learn, there never was a boyfriend in the first place. All my anger and ire and plain-hot jealousy was provoked by a lie. I was the asshole.

Yes, diffidence is a charitable emotion.

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I'm also having the jitters right now in a relationship I'm in. I'm not sure whether I'm being a first-rate cow, or whether I'm being smart. My significant other wants me in for the 'long haul', and I'm a bit nervous about that. It's not as if I plan to move to Delhi and Bangalore immediately, but that seems to be the reason I'm submitting for my jitters: I'm not ready yet, I have so many plans yet to live, I have to do more things, see more things, I don't think I can give the long haul to you...

And then, there are times when I think of that Delhi betrayal - I think: I was such an ass then! maybe I'm being an ass now... will I ever be able to find someone, the right someone...? Maybe I should just give in and say 'yes' to this relationship now...

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I've added a short story to this blog here, which I wrote on Friday, and put the finishing touches only this morning. It's long. There, you have been duly warned.

PS: I think I should veer clear of subjects like L-O-V-E for awhile.

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