Thursday, January 20, 2005
Scary Movie XXXXX
Write a story, write a plot, write a character.
Plan an event, plan a sequence, plan an outcome then.
Think about complications, throw in some passion, and an idea is aflame.
Make her beautiful beyond compare.
Enough to shatter mirrors, who are jealous beyond repair. (Did that rhyme? I didn't mean it to.)
Then sketch out the hero, make him strong and bold and fearless.
No pretty boys allowed please, and be liberal with the scars please, surface and mental both.
And then we have to think of a plot. ho hum. Aye, there's the rub. (Damn, that was Shakespeare.)
Perhaps there are three witches and a cauldron, perhaps there are three men in a tub.
Perhaps they could be rubbing their hands in glee and murmuring Rumpelstiltskin again and again.
Perhaps there's an old magician in some far-away portal who sends a giant reptile-bird to steal the princess away (yes, I know it sounds hackneyed, but what-the-hell!)
Let's see what we can think of next... O yes, hero with the scars has to go rescue her.
At this point, I shall settle back to paragraphed prose, as this threatens to get very long, otherwise.
Our intrepid hero sets off on his stallion, accompanied by his faithful servant Robin of the Hood, and they come to the pass of the Snowy Mountains. Gnomes then appear and start shooting poisoned arrows at them, so our hero has to run and hide. But at night, they come across an old hermit, who is pleased at their valour (also they give their food to the old beggar, which makes his tummy happy) and so tells them of an underground passage to the other side of the Mountains. So, off they burrow.
Lovely images of underground caverns flash acros the screen, until they come across a golden bird trapped in a cage, and Scarfaced hero recognises that it is the Bird of Truth, so he goes to possess it - but this makes the damn bird squeak like an elephant (if pachyderms could squeak) and so the gnomes come and attack them again. Scarry and Robin of the Hood run, but then the damn dart hits Scarry, and our prince falls in battle.
(Ta-da! Bet you never thought that would come so soon.)
So, obviously, focus shifts to ole Robin, who reaches the other side with Birdie in tow. He's a bit sad at first, but then thinks, hey, if I can kill off the old coot magician, I can get the girl AND the bird, so off he starts jaunting along again. Scarry's horse is still with him, so they make good time.
But the magician sees him coming and sends that other big reptile-bird to go kill Robin. The RB (reptile-bird) kills off the stallion, so poor Robin has to scurry for cover amid the woodlands with his Bird. (Bird has learnt to behave now, and not squawk like an elephant, so they're not discovered.) RB swallows the stallion whole in one gulp, and so thinks that Robin is also in his tummy - shows you why RBs have gone extinct today - and he goes back, happy and full to his lord and master, the magician.
Cut to cabaret sequence. Beautiful princess in a two-piece gold bikini (yes, her name is probably Leia) and she has to do the Beyonce Baby Boy beach jig for old man, who's very happy with all this attention he's getting. But then, our mirror-shattering princess is clever, so she makes old coot think she's gonna have kinky sex with him, ties him up and all, and runs away with his wand. She discovers the big RB and decides that it might as well serve her with the wand, and of they fly. On the way home, she spots poor Robin in the Hood with his truth Bird, and decides he's worth a shag or two and it's worth some tandoori masala, and picks them up, too.
They go back home to her castle, where she deposes her dad and mum with the help of her newfound magic wand and crowns herself Supreme Slut of the land. Her first conquest is Robin, and her second is old hermit who helped with the burrow under the Mountains.
(Did I hear you say yuck?)
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