Thursday, March 30, 2006
Things seem to be going poles apart. While somethings seem to be heading well, there are other facets of my life which leave me feeling... surprised? stunned? angry? silly? There are so many reactions there. Not sure what to do with work now. On one hand, there's more exposure, and on the other - utter loneliness. Feels weird that all my closest friends have left, feels weird to be the 'last man standing'. And for how long? GRE plans ahead, and that's why I'm still around. I'm not making much of a secret about that one. And then there are the other pangs - what if I get the recognition and the scope to perform, would it be silly to throw it all away and go back to study? But no, those are momentary doubts which fade away. This is what I want. To be with the one I want.
To be happy.
No mean task.
It's funny, how alike a best friend and a lover are. I never thought I'd lose a best friend. Or, rather, neverthought I'd lose them because of distance. I lost my best friend in Calcutta because both of us moved away - and even though she's here in the same city now, I can't go back to that 'best friend' mode again with her, because there's been so much of my life I haven't shared with her, so many of the important things that shaped me. And I lost my best friend in Delhi because I moved away. Distant now, we haven't spoken on the phone even in ages. I haven't seen him in close to a year. I'm probably just an "o, he's a great friend" thing to him, and it feels sad, because he and I shared so much, bad and good times, together. He was the best thing that came out of a shortlived relationship with his then best friend... and now, I suppose the tables are reversed, my shortlived ex is back in the good books, and I'm in the faraway books. ;-)
But no, I never thought I would lose my best friend like this - drifting away in the same city. I always thought, it wouldn't matter if we couldn't stay regularly in touch over the phone or meet up, it wouldn't matter... we could still talk. And it seemed to work for awhile. But I guess it doesn't work anymore. Strange that we could drift away so easily. Almost too soon for me to notice. But I guess I should have. I felt it, and I tried to rectify it, but perhaps it was a case of being too late. I don't want to force myself on someone, that's silly, and my friend is as stubborn as stubborn can get. As fickle as fickle can get, too. Perhaps that's my last hope.
No. My last hope is my Love. That still remains, thank God. That still remains. God, when did I turn so maudlin? ;-) Maybe that's what happens after you return to blogging after (in my book) ages. Maudlin mush.
Distance is one of the biggest hurdles that can come between relations, friends or lovers. Or is it that it just shows what our priorities in life are?
Career over friends. Ambitions over lovers. Success over relations.
That's life for you and me. It is one big mystery full of hurdles. The day we solve this mystery there will be none :-)
Yea, link it up for other ACJ ppl to see will ya? Just wondering, from the next batch on, our comrades will miss all the fun no? They're moving to the hostel which is in some obscure part of the world...
Well Distance kills the realtion ship literally. But tis no use blaming the distance dear casue people are meant to passby in our lives esp the best of the friends. The million dollar question is have they left a ever lasting impression in ur life that u can never forget them. Have they been the inspiration for u to do somthing u are proud of. Have they been able to shape u into a the person u are today
just land up at her place :)
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